【一〇八八|知识】点下面标题：“逆天改命”式作文批改！ -yb体育官方
2019-11-05 17:08:09 117
昨天因为产品推送
老付又被骂了
谋生太难了……
但为了活下去，只好承受！
大家不要担心，
这不会影响老付持续的高品质输出，
但一定要提醒那些无知的孩子：
带数字序号的标题是知识推送！
知识从来不缺席！
01
总体评价
优点：
（1）拼写无误；
（2）段落明晰，主题明确；
（3）论证充分，内容贴切
缺点：
（1）句式陈旧；
（2）语法错误，语句冗余；
（3）条理欠佳，衔接不顺
逐句修改
第一段
【1】as is distinctively depicted in drawing above, an old far, without children willing to support him, is just like a football kicking by his four children.
建议将“old”改为“aged” “as is distinctively depicted in drawing above”这种开篇方式流行于上世纪九十年代，建议改为倒装句 “depicted in drawing above is an alarming scene that ….” 建议将独立主格“without children willing to support him”简化为“with no child willing to support him” “kicking by his four children”语态错误，建议决被他的四个孩子踢开修改结果 ： 上图描绘的是一个令人震惊的场景，一个年迈的老人，没有一个孩子愿意支持他，就像他的四个孩子踢足球一样。
【2】没有孩子想照看老人，把每个房子的门都堵了。
为了增强句间联系，建议将【2】改变定语从句：…，分别封锁了ir大门，拒绝接受远方。【3】老人只能做的就是充满悲伤。
老人作缩着颤抖着颤抖着拥抱自己。第二段
【1】我第一次看到照片时就被它震惊了。
【2】毫无疑问，照片的意图是传达我们应该照顾父母，陪伴母亲并尽力为母亲提供更好生活的含义。
建议将【1】【2】尽管（我被可省略）一见钟情，但我可以确信地确保它打算让我们想起aking good care of our parents, accompanying m and providing m decent life.【3】firstly, this principle applies to all individuals.
这是上世纪九十年代作文中流行的一句套话，可以让它安息了！【4】no matter how busy you are, calling parents and know about ir conditions as well as express your love for m are easy things for us in modern society.
本句为关于敬老爱老的具体建议，可以调整至本段末；语句也可以做少量修改。 so, no matter how busy we are, it would be wise to give m a phone-call any moment we miss m and address ir needs as possible as we can.【5】what’s more, we cannot forget how hard our parents tried to give us a better life since we were born.
微观视角说理由——家庭义务 from family perspective, we are amenable to support m as y once did ir utmost to raise us and helped us to get where we are.【6】they never want us to repay.
本句多余
【7】last but not least, only when every family has a harmony relationship, our society would have a better future, n chinese dream would come more quickly.
宏观视角说理由——社会和谐 from point of society, a peaceful community or happy district is based on unit of harmonious family.第三段
【1】all in all, supporting parents is not an issue, it just one thing we should do, it our duty.
病句：本句为“冗合句”，即“用逗号直接连接若干分句”；本句优化： in aggregate, supporting parents is not an issue, but an action or a duty.【2】so just do it.
建议将【3】【4】合并
【3】not only give attention to m in daily life, but also care for ir feelings.
本句优化：
we are supposed not only take duty to pay attention to ir daily life and ir feelings…
【4】never forget that parents are most valuable thing in our life.
本句优化：
…but to keep in mind that parents are our creators and benefactors.
——逐句评改
最终成文·好好背
02
第一段
depicted in drawing above is an alarming scene that an aged far, with no child willing to support him, is just like a football kicked away by his four children, who block ir gate respectively refusing to accept far. huddling and quivering, old man embraces himself with plenty of sorrow.
图中所绘的是惊人的一幕，一位无人赡养的老父亲，像足球一样被子女踢来踢去。这些子女各自坚守门户，拒绝接纳生身之父。老人缩成一团，不断颤抖，抱臂哀叹，伤心不已。
第二段
although shocked by picture on my first sight, i can ensure with certain degree of confidence that it intends to remind us of taking good care of our parents, accompanying m and providing m decent life. from family perspective, we are amenable to support m as y once did ir utmost to raise us and helped us to get where we are. from point of society, a peaceful community or happy district is based on unit of harmonious family. so, we may contribute to harmony of society by, no matter how busy we are, giving parents a phone-call any moment we miss m and addressing ir needs as possible as we can.
初见本图时，我为之一惊。但我可以有把握的说，这幅图在提醒我们要善待父母、陪伴父母，让父母过上体面的生活。从家庭角度来说，父母曾经含辛茹苦抚养我们，帮助我们取得当今的成就，我们当然有义务赡养他们。从社会角度来说，祥和社区、幸福街区都离不开家庭的和谐。因此，无论我们多么忙碌，我们在想念父母时给他们打一个电话，尽我们所能地满足他们的各种生活需求，这也算是为社会的和谐尽了一份绵薄之力。
第三段
in aggregate, supporting parents is not an issue, but an action or a duty. so just do it. we are supposed not only take duty to pay attention to ir daily life and ir feelings but to keep in mind that parents are our creators and benefactors.
总得来说，赡养父母无须多言，只需行动，须尽义务。行动起来吧。我们不禁要关照父母的日常生活及种种感受，而且要谨记这样的道理：父母是我们的缔造者，也是我们的恩人。
—— 最终成文
03
2009 text3 q31
the relationship between formal education and economic growth in poor countries is widely misunderstood by economists and politicians alike. progress in both area is undoubtedly necessary for social, political and intellectual development of se and all or societies; however, conventional view that education should be one of 在贫困国家 中促进经济快速发展 的最高优先事项 是错误的。 …
31。提交人在第1段中认为_______在贫穷国家中教育的重要性。
[a]受到毫无根据的怀疑
[b]已成为偏见的受害者
[c]被常规降级
[d]被高估了
-2009 text3